She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Lover!



She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Lover!

“There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship or sexual attraction. Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstances. ”

~Stephen Kendrick

If you love someone, shouldn’t it be wholly?

Love should not have conditions or “have to’s.”

When love is given with a you “must be” list, it is not unconditional.

It is easy when a relationship is new to feel madly in love and sexually excited just by the touch or a kiss from your partner. When arguments arise they are easily worked out and forgiveness is freely given.

But what about when an illness shatters the illusion that life is always going to be a carnival ride?

When financial strains cause conflicts and resentment? 

A chronic illness can leave you feeling tired, irritable and anything but desirable. Your pillow can often look far more inviting than lying in your partner’s arms.

One question I have been asked many times since I have started this blog is Do you still really feel sexy? 

The answer is yes.  Not because of the way I look in my jeans or how many pounds the scale says I weigh.

As cliche as this sounds, sexy is about knowing who you truly are and loving the beauty that is you. 

I do not need my partner to instill my inner sexy. Sure a “you look hot in that dress babe” is good for my ego but even single, I would still feel happy with myself. 

We are all  multi faceted beings, each unique with our experiences wrought with happiness, love, anger, and hurts.  These layers do not make you flawed, they make you human. 

I will admit that for a time after my diagnosis and my divorce, I temporarily lost my way.  My identity had until then been so based on my good health, appearances and role of wife, when these were all stripped away, I was left  feeling barren. 

The good news is trials in life that knock you down really can create a new, stronger you.  Along with this new strength can come clarity of vision where the way previously uncertain, is now lined with sign posts. 

When I was married and struggling to come to terms with my diagnosis, I could not help but feel that my husband deep down felt like I was a burden.  That he was a pack mule carrying the whole load of the responsibilities.  He was a workaholic and was never really comfortable about me being a stay at home mother. 

He tried to do all the right things, say the words he thought I wanted to hear. 

His unspoken feelings left me feeling resentful. After all, wasn’t I the one with the debilitating illness? 

I did not need to feel like I was a disappointment, a constant drain on the family finances and a not too sexy playboy playmate. 

When our divorce finally came, a part of me actually felt like I had been set free. 

I was free to just be myself without having to try to always put on a brave front. If I wanted to sleep all day, heck I would do just that.

I used this time of solitude to rebuild my own sense of independence. I decided that I would rather be alone than be with someone that made me feel less than whole. 

When I met my now new fiancé this is exactly what I told him. I was in no way going to get myself back into that same situation of feeling like I was a ball and chain.

This is me, love me or not. 

I recently had someone write to  me telling me that her husband laughed at the way she now walked because of her illness. I am still saddened by this knowing that she is probably in a relationship that rather than empowers her, it crushes her spirit. 

Is your loving relationship unconditional?

 Do you feel accepted for who you are? Cherished for better or worse? 

Even more important, is your self love unconditional? 

I am not advising anyone to follow the path I chose, I am just simply saying like that old song goes, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. 

Shouldn’t that be doubly so for a lover?

Cindy Lee Lothian

March 29, 2013

About Cindy Lee

I'm a writer, mother and lover of life who has learned that my twenty year dance with the disease MS, has given me Multiple Strengths. I write about love, laughter, healing and hope.
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5 Responses to She Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Lover!

  1. A beautiful post as ever Cindy, so full of insight and honesty.

    I guess I can actually say today I am blessed, in that my relationship (marriage) has survived much. Many years ago we went through horrible period,; betrayal which was difficult for me to come to terms with and during which time I suffered, unbeknown to me then, my first massive MS attack when I lost the use of both legs completely for four months. The doctors back then told me it was stress and anxiety. Even a visit to a neurologist resulted in this diagnosis. I wasn’t to receive a dx of MS until 30 years layer and after many more relapses that were also put down to anxiety.

    However for some reason we managed to weather our particular storm and my husband does give me the unconditional love of which you speak. I give it back to him and I also give it to myself. I have found self love the most difficult. Don’t get me wrong, we have our moments as we both come to terms with the debilitating monster that has taken residence inside me. And it is far from easy. But we work at it bit by bit.

    I wish you all the happiness that you, and all of us deserve, in your new relationship. ❤ Xx


    • Cindy Lee says:

      Thanks Christine! I am so happy to hear that you are in a good place in your marriage and with yourself! 😉 I know it is not always easy but things worth haviing are worth fighting for. It is obvious what stress can do to our bodies. All the more reasons to purge negativity from our lives. Thanks as always, for your support.
      Cindy ❤

  2. This is an absolutely beautiful post, Cindy. I am going to shout to the rooftops about it. It should be published somewhere where more people with disabilities can read it. Please consider contacting NMSS for their newsletter.

    My husband is my rock and always makes me feel sexy. I’ve gained weight because I can’ move as I used to. But he tells me each day how beautiful I am. I am blessed.

    Thank you for writing this piece. I always thought about doing it, but I’d sound like a rah rah section for my hubby. You did it beautifully, my friend.

    With love,
    PS I have contacts at NMSS if you decide you want it published.

  3. Andy Bailey says:

    I have RRMS and everyone remarks at how strong I’m being but, without my lovely misses I’d be batty as a fruit cake about my condition.

    She does all the worrying for the both of us so I can still play with my toys 😉

    All she asks in return is for me to love her, I can do that. No debilitation can touch that.

    It’s lovely that you have found someone who can accept you as you are, keep hold of that one!
    (Use ropes if your hands gets spasms) :-p

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