When He Doesn’t Love You Anymo

“Lips that taste of tears, they say are the best for kissing.”

When he says he does not love you anymore, you question.

Is it you he doesn’t  love anymore, or the disease that he thinks you have now  become?

When his arms do not reach out to hold you, is it your touch he is avoiding or his own fear?

Do you feel that he no longer sees you when he looks into your eyes but instead a damaged version of who you used to be?

Love is easy when it is uncomplicated. 

Love is fun when all that awaits is the anticipation of playful adventures. 

Passion runs hot when healthy vitality surges through your body empowering you in your sexual prowess.

When you like what you see when standing naked in the mirror you thrill at the thought of sexual pleasure. 

But what if you no longer like what you see in the mirror?

You might now think your hips are far too wide or your breasts are no longer the perky peeks they were when you were first married?

When you look at your bed rather than thoughts of wild carnal pleasure, you are lusting after a good night of eight hours of sleep 

When hardships crack the surface of your perfect world you are left gazing at one another without false illusions. 

What are you now seeing? 

You are seeing who that person really is and has been all along. 

They are not always the happy,  self assured, fun loving, playboy playmate you thought you married. 

Instead,  they might have insecurities, weaknesses and God forbid, a chronic illness.

If your spouse says the words “you do not make me happy anymore” to your back because he is unwilling to see the hurt inn your eyes, it is okay. 

The sound of the door closing and footsteps on the outside porch are all heralding the new. 

The night my marriage ended, the rain beat against  the bedroom window as I gazed out at the wet night sky I thought my world had crumbled. The family I had built torn apart leaving me feeling lost and alone. 

I did not know if it was me he did not love anymore or living with the constant reminder that good health was a blessing and not a given. 

Did he feel like my illness was a third partner in our marriage?

What was I going to do with my small sons to raise and having an illness which left me fatigued and feeling anything but attractive?

I cried,

I screamed,

 I healed.

I grew.

Let the tears fall  until there aren’t any left.

Let your heart break into what feels like a thousand pieces. 

For in this letting go, you are rebuilding yourself. 

In each ending, there is a beginning.

Maybe love cycles are not meant to last forever?

This is your time to love and celebrate in who you are.

If he does not love you anymore it is not because you are anything less than perfect.

Love will find you. 

 Be ready.

Be open.

just Be you. 

Cindy Lee Lothian

April 7, 2013