Forget bargaining with the two-horned,insidious Devil, a deal with God is where it’s at.

When I first began having symptoms which manifested as blurred vision, my first born son was ten years old. I was having trouble continuing my job in the accounting department doing accounts payable and payroll.

My first experience of being pregnant had been somewhat traumatic.I had gotten pregnant at a young age and was caught up in a whirlwind of unfamiliar challenges.  Stress, worry, anxiety all vied for what I wanted to feel. Happiness at the growing life inside of me, joy with each little kick as my belly grew to the size of a beach ball.

I was told that pregnancy could make ms symptoms worse, but I had still not been officially diagnosed and wanted to have another baby. I decided to take the risk and go ahead and get pregnant.

I was  now thirty and was able to embrace the new life that was growing  inside of me without any feelings of shame. I reveled in each moment. I proudly wore my new maternity outfits and enjoyed the smiles people gave me as baby and I briefly passed by others lives.

The night came a week early, my water broke and I was soon to hold my baby.The delivery went well, taking no drugs and having an all natural delivery. I have to admit, I did a lot of screaming but listened to Lorenna McKennitt to take myself away from the pain.

He was beautiful.Gorgeous blue eyes,and a face of an angel. I was in love. One week later my vision in my right eye dimmed. Dimmed to blackness.

I was blind in one eye.

How could this happen I asked myself over and over while holding my beautiful newborn baby boy. My husband did not believe me until he shone a flashlight into my eye and I saw nothing.

Panic gripped me. What if I couldn’t see my gift from God grow up? What would he look like when he was five? Ten?

I laid down on my bed with my baby and made a deal with God. “Please let me see long enough to see what he looks like when he is five.”

I was lost in the darkness, looking inward for guidance and strength. My marriage was in turmoil, my kids needed their mother, and I needed to find “me”.

They say the dark night of the soul is a necessary journey to find clarity of vision. That year I journeyed there.

My son is now 17, and he is a handsome young man and I can tell you exactly what he looks like. My oldest son is 27 and just had his first baby.

Last week I just looked into my grandson’s two week old eyes and said, “Hi there little one, welcome to this wonderful world.”

Before writing this, I was making my coffee and dancing to the radio which was playing “Don’t stop until you  get enough.

I believe in signs. So my advice to you today is stop what you are doing and dance in the moment.

Let your inner you rejoice.

Cindy Lee

October 27, 2012